Ventimated

As a child, I coined this term to describe the "no frills" grocery items you found in the supermarket...

If you're my age or older, you will remember the canned and boxed goods with a plain white label and black text which simply stated the contents of the container. No photos, no brand name, often no other colors (Pathmark being the lone exception with red, white, and blue stripes around the top).

To me, frills were things you found on ballet costumes, not on groceries, and so I rejected the term "no frills" as being just plain wrong, and replaced it with what I felt expressed that the packaging had been violated, having all the color and joy sucked out of it... Certainly the insides had suffered the same fate, and so why would you buy it? "Eeww, mommy, don't buy that, it's Ventimated!"

I imagined a Snidely Whiplash character sneaking through the supermarket, pulling out an oversized ray gun, laughing evilly, and zapping the product shelves, pulling the flavors and colors right out of the cans and boxes, leaving them lifeless shells, withering on display, marked down in pity by the store clerks, waiting for some poor customer who didn't know better to purchase them, simply because they had been put on sale... Who knows what eating the contents would do to you?

Apparently this sort of thinking caught on, because I can't remember the last time I saw a ventimated product anywhere. Now we have "store brands" instead of generic "no frills", which feature colors and images just like their more expensive, nationally branded counterparts.

In some way, I think it's a good thing - lack of color really does bother me... But it also removed the stigma from buying for price... I remember when ventimated wasn't just about a lack of fancy labels, but also about the fear of being "caught"... If a classmate ever saw me (or even just my mom) in the supermarket and saw a ventimated can or box in our cart, it meant we must be poor, and I'd be on the receiving end of some nasty treatment the next school day...

On the other hand, are we simply reinforcing that looks are everything?

There really wasn't any difference between the peas in the black and white can, and the peas in the can with the photo of peas on it, as my mother insisted to me every time we went shopping... But I was certain there was something wrong with the peas in the black and white can... As a child, I was incapable of not judging a book by its cover (consider why children's items are all so colorful!)...

But, obviously a whole host of adults, who should know better, agreed with me enough that an entire industry changed from no frills labeling to store brands... The insides hadn't changed, the factories that made them hadn't changed, the type of packaging hadn't changed, just the look of the label...

While I certainly prefer my colorful store brand to the ventimated packaging of the past, as the song goes, it's just another brick in the wall... Just one more thing programming all of us to look at the packaging over the content...

The Missing Introduction

I had planned to be brave tonight, but the opportunity to say these words was not given to me due to decisions made beyond my control.  So, here is a slightly edited version of what I had hoped you would learn earlier tonight:

I made a promise to myself when I was in college.  I made a promise that if I was ever in a position to keep even just one child from experiencing what I went through in school, that I would take that opportunity without reservation.  To explain that promise, I need to tell you something about myself that I don't usually talk about. 

When I was 14, I attempted suicide.

It's not a secret.  Many of my friends know.  I'm comfortable talking about it... but it's just not a topic that comes up in casual conversation over bagels and schmear at shul.

All throughout my years in school, I was "teased" and "picked on".  No one ever used the word "bullied" back then.  Looking back, I would personally use the word "abused".  Anyone who knows me is very much aware that I march to the beat of my own drummer (sometimes literally).  I always have.  But, when I was a kid, I payed dearly for it. 

I was verbally and physically assaulted daily by my peers.   In the beginning I asked for help.  I soon learned to stop talking about it, because it was either my fault for being different and not working to fit in, or any punishment my tormentors received would make them attack me more often and with a greater vengeance.  It was easier to just deal with it myself than to trust in an adult.  Bumps and bruises, stolen and damaged property - I was clumsy and forgetful enough that it was easy to pass them off as accidents. 

After a while, I found the physical attacks easy to deal with.  I got good at defending myself, and my status as a teacher's pet meant that I never got in trouble for finishing a fight.  The verbal attacks were a different animal.  They called me everything.  I was fat, ugly, stupid, but also a braniac, too tall, and then too short, I didn't have the right clothes, not enough money, I was disgusting, unlovable, and worthless.  When they ran out of the run-of-the-mill insults, they came up with the worst label they could throw at me.  I must be a lesbian.  I was not only worthless, but now a deviant and a pervert, because I had no interest in chasing after my idiotic male classmates.  I was told everyone would be better off if I never existed.

And I believed them.

Obviously I'm still here.  I managed to survive because I realized that ending my pain would hurt my family more than living could hurt me.  Eventually I went off to college, where I found out I was quite normal and perfectly lovable, even the weird parts of me...  I am still proud of the fact that I was voted in the top 25 members of my college class for homecoming court.  I didn't win, but I didn't have to.  For the first time ever, I was a contender in a popularity contest.  (Ha!)

And so this is why I am telling you my story.

No one should have to experience what I went through in school.  My teachers tried to help, but had no support to make the broad cultural changes needed to keep me safe.  School leaders felt that teasing was a normal part of growing up, and that it even builds character.  Parents felt that children should conform in order to avoid being singled out, because it's "normal behavior" for children to pick on people who are different.

And there was a time in the not so distant past when that was also considered normal behavior for adults...

Making mountains out of molehills

I read this blog from the St Louis Jewish Light...

And I think the author is both right and wrong.  Or, more accurately, her conclusion is correct were her premises accurate, but from my experience, her premises are wrong.

You see, she feels parents are doing their children a disservice by trying to remove challenges from their life paths.  And I agree with that. I think challenge and failure are teaching tools.  Children need to learn it's okay to not always get what they want.

However, I don't think that parents are simply trying to make life easy for their children.

The author states that a child's mistakes don't mean much in the long run.  And this is where my present day experience runs counter to what seems like common sense...

A child's mistakes shouldn't mean much in the long run, but these days, they certainly seem to.

You see, where I live, I hear from parents that it is of utmost importance for their children to be able to go to a good college.  Sounds like a good thing to me...  But to do that, you need to do well in high school, and the students who are best prepared for college go to the best high schools in the area.  In order to get into one of these top high schools, you must attend one of the correct feeder middle schools.  In order to get into one of these feeder middle schools you must be chosen in a selection process which includes a look at your academic and behavior records throughout elementary school.

Therefore, a child's mistakes, at the time that they should be making them and learning from them, could cost them opportunities down the line...  They could be penalized in their academic and socioeconomic development in a way that no child could possibly understand...  Sorry honey, you can't watch cartoons now, you need to do your homework because your future employer is going to want to see a diploma from a good college.  What 7 year old is going to understand that level of cause and effect?

Of course a parent is going to want to hand-hold a child through their school years.  Especially when you sure as hell bet other parents are doing the same, if not more, in order to ensure their child's spot on the yellow-brick-road...

It's not that parents don't trust that their children can do it, but it's that the price of failure seems so high, can a parent risk having a child do their homework without help?

I can't really blame the parents, who are looking at today's economy and feeling the need to help their children get the best start they can.

But what have we become as a society, when a child's academics and behavior in grade school can effect his or her employability as an adult?

We are raising a generation that won't be able to handle challenges, both emotionally and cognitively.  At what point does that translate into needing a PhD to be hired for an entry level minimum wage job?

Random Thoughts on Gender

A recommended read: tinyurl.com/9vc2xon

I'm now thinking about how I have heard so many women tell me that this is exactly why they don't have many male friends - that eventually all of them end up acting inappropriately towards them.  It makes me wonder why I have so many male friends (and so few female friends), and that I have never in my life had a male I consider a friend act like a creep towards me.

Sure, I've experienced my share of creeps... guys at work, friends of friends, classmates, family members (*shudder*)... but never a guy I consider my friend.  And no, it's not that a guy who acts creepy falls off the friend list and no longer counts... I've just never had it happen where someone I considered a friend ever failed me in that respect.

If you had asked me years ago, I probably would chalk it up to not being considered "sexy", and so my guy friends had me firmly placed in the "friend" or "one of the guys" category (especially given my interests), and not in the "sexual object" category in their brains.  But, I've also had several male friends admit to me that they very much do consider me in the "sexy" category.  I guess I'm just lucky that my male friends seem to lack "sexual object" categories... they're all "sensitive" as the author above postulates.

Woo! I'm a statistic...

This post brought to you by some stupid political commentator on the radio claiming that the number of reports of rape and sexual assault are greatly exaggerated, because you legally can't be assaulted by someone you know. 

I'm writing a thing, and in doing so, attempting to distill the hell that was my middle and high school years into engaging sound bites.  I realized while writing that I was sexually assaulted my junior year.  Not raped, sexually assaulted...  A schoolmate violently pushed me against a wall, and the next thing I knew, his one hand was groping my right breast, and his other hand was down my skirt and inside my underwear...

Why I'm just realizing it, is that I never considered the incident sexual.  Even now, it was more about bullying me and the "you're ugly and worthless" theme that my classmates threw at me on a regular basis...  This time I was so ugly and disgusting that this boy refused to rape me, even though he had me at his mercy (or so he thought)...

So, the conversation in my head started asking questions that perhaps people might want to know about the incident...  For instance, what happened to him, did I report it?  For the record, no, because I had learned a long time before that telling people made the problem worse, not better. Though, also for the record, he walked away with a broken nose.

It occurred to me though, that he left school after that year...  

During his attack on me, he mentioned that this was his usual way of getting what he wanted, and that normally girls were flattered and pleased with his advances, because he only went after the especially good looking girls... And that I was somehow defective because I wasn't enjoying myself... And besides, I was fat and ugly and no one could ever find me attractive or lovable, therefore he was going to just leave me there hanging, because I was not deserving of his attentions...

I wonder now how many other female schoolmates of mine had to deal with him, and if this was the reason behind his quiet disappearance after that year...

So, that means that if you don't already know someone else who is a rape/sexual assault survivor, hi, I'm your 1 in 4...

A Political Interlude

I'm not the activist type.  As much as I'm often told I'd have been a hippie had I been born in an earlier generation, I am not sure that I'd have been the protesting sort...

Well, sure, I'm the protesting sort... I think my stubborn streak and temper makes that inevitable...

But, I just don't have the time to get involved, and there are hundreds, if not thousands of other people who speak and write more eloquently than I, and are better suited to being the spokesperson for any political viewpoint I hold.

My imaginary historical self wouldn't have been the person planning the protest, but would have signed up in a heartbeat to be there.

Probably would be true for me today, if someone told me there was going to be a protest...

...if it fit into my schedule... and didn't cost much to attend...

I'm admitting I'm part of the problem here, aren't I?



I had originally decided when I came up with the idea for this blog, that I wasn't ever going to discuss politics, except perhaps in an even-handed journalistic way, if something political happened that had some overarching link to Judaism.  I wanted to make sure that my readers were comfortable in this space, regardless of their political persuasion.

What changed?

First, I realized that by stating my opinions and interpretations of Judaism, I am taking a particular point of view, and one that may not (and almost 100% of the time, won't be) shared by everyone... Trying to mitigate that issue waters down any point I wish to make, and that won't be useful to anyone... And there's no use in trying to please everyone, so why attempt it?

Second, I am becoming increasingly concerned and frustrated by what passes for political discourse in our country... and I realized that this is not only a universal theme, but a distinctly Jewish one as well.  The number of intersections between our political landscape and Jewish values and philosophy are staggering.  I couldn't be acting more Jewish than by speaking about politics.



So, here I am, talking about politics...

I wonder why there aren't protests... in the new connected world of the flash-mob, why aren't there flash-protests?  Why aren't there people out in the streets screaming about the insanity?

I think my introduction gave several possibilities for answers:

• No one has free time for themselves, let alone to take time out for a political protest
• It costs money that people don't have
• People feel that others are better suited to handling the problems at hand

Here are a few more:

• Being online and connected, people feel their voices are either already heard, or lost in the crowd
• A feeling of being overwhelmed... Which issue to choose?  
• Despondency - nothing is going to change, why bother?
• Feeling disenfranchised - what can I possibly do?
• My life is complicated enough, let me just deal with my own mishegas...
• Fear - that being an activist will have negative consequences (losing your job or another important relationship because someone doesn't agree with your politics)
• Feeling it won't do any good - Protests that have occurred have been largely ignored by the parties they are aimed at (I have yet to see any results or changes in SOP due to the Occupy movement protests)

It's that last one that grabs me...  I remember feeling a sense of history repeating itself with the beginnings of the Occupy movement...  I thought, perhaps this will be my equivalent of living through the 1960s... protests across the country to promote social and economic change...

And it fell apart.

I'm not going to discuss why (because I'm not even sure) - but it did.
Nothing. Happened.
No one listened.

And so - why follow up with another round of big effort for no results?

It's very simply combat fatigue...


And that scares me.

Because what I am seeing and hearing out of the fundamentalist right-wing nutjobs is... Rediculogic...

Rediculogic - noun - argumentation whose premises violate multiple logical fallacies and where the conclusions are able to be invalidated by reductio ad absurdum, yet is presented and maintained by its authors and supporters as rational and mainstream thought.

Yes, I made up a word.  I do that.
(Ask me about "ventimated"...  :)

We have moved beyond simple rhetoric and hyperbole.  We have people not just trying to reduce women to property, and push LGBTQ folks back into the closet... they are making efforts to redefine the laws of thought.

The world will operate the way I want it to, or else.

I know kindergartners with a better grasp of reality...

So where are the protests?  Where are the petitions?  Where is the unified voice of reason saying "ENOUGH!"?

I know they're out there - but the effort is fragmented, poorly funded (for the most part), and largely ignored.

So, how can we change this?  Because change this we must... The alternative is simply terrifying...

How Much Am I My Brother's Keeper?

So, that article I posted...  To me, in part, it sums up as "we are responsible for the upkeep of the world".  It's a familiar trope in Jewish ethics...

In Genesis, God asks Cain where is his brother, Cain replies "Am I my brother's keeper?", God responds by asking Cain what he has done... and the great sages tell us that this response indicates that the answer to that question is Yes, we indeed are our brothers' keepers.

During the High Holy days, we not only ask forgiveness for our personal sins, but we ask forgiveness for the sins of our community.  We have fallen short, not just on our own actions, but for allowing corruption and immorality in our midst.

It's clear to me that the article is correct in its assertion that Tisha B'Av is not meant as self-flagellation for allowing the destruction of the Temple, but as a call to action to not allow the same societal ills that lead to its destruction befall us again and again.

A noble call, to be sure, but also a troubling one.

You see, at what point do I cross the line from fighting immorality and societal decline, to imposing my moral point of view on others?

I'm sure there would be a lot of people cheering someone on if they were taking on corruption in business, or fighting for a living wage for all workers.

Not so much if they were working to make all instances of abortion illegal.

I find myself looking differently at those I would blithely label with the phrase "fundamentalist nutjob".  They are acting on that same principle... trying to create a world that is free of immorality... it's just that our definitions of immorality are quite different.

I've come to the conclusion that perhaps "immorality" is just the wrong word to focus on in this discussion.

There is a lot of disagreement on what is considered moral and ethical in our world.  (I myself believe that we all share the same human morality and that we just disagree on ethics, the application of those morals, but that's something we can discuss later.)  I don't think that God, or our sages, are really asking us to go out and eradicate every instance of immoral/unethical behavior we come across.  I really think we need to be looking at corruption.

God has allowed us to have free will.  To choose to do right or wrong.  To choose the blessing or the curse. To choose to be connected to God, or to walk away from the divine.

Corruption in society takes away individual free will.  It makes the playing field uneven.  It takes away choice and decisions.

It makes it that some of us cannot truly choose to do the right thing, or cannot avoid doing the wrong thing.

Take away corruption from society, and then everyone is free to make their own choices.  Until everyone is free to follow their own moral and ethical compass, we cannot sit as judge on individual decisions or individuals.  We can only turn inward and ask what we can do to improve ourselves.

This isn't to say we need to abandon the country's justice system.  People should still be held responsible for their actions.  However, we need to really look at who we are as a people, as a country, and as a planet...  Why did this person choose this path?  Did they really choose it, or was it forced upon them, even in part?

If the answer is even a "maybe", then that's where we have work left to do.  Tikkun Olam, repairing the world, isn't about imposing one group's social code on another... it's about building a world that allows everyone the ability to develop to their own full potential.

Am I My Brother's Keeper?  Yes, and, No.  I'm not responsible for his decisions, but I am responsible for the world he lives in.

A Tisha B'Av Article To Share

The following article was presented as a reading for Tisha B'Av services at Congregation Beth Shalom.  I found it an interesting read, as it brought to mind several connections to other Judaic topics, but at the same time raised questions in my mind.  I will be posting further on those connections and questions, and so I place the article here for reference.


Tisha B'Av and Contemporary Jews
-Rabbi Joshua Maroof

Tragically, Tisha B'Av is often neglected or overlooked by contemporary Jews.  Many are unaware of its existence.  Those who are familiar with Tisha B'Av may feel alienated from its message of sadness and gloom.  As a result, despite the supreme importance of the day, it is not as widely acknowledged or observed in the Diaspora as it should be.

Tisha B'Av is a reminder to all of us that we live in a dark and unjust world, a world marred by profound ignorance, immorality, materialism, poverty, racism, misogyny, tyranny, and selfishness, and that it is our responsibility to correct this sorry state of affairs.

The purpose of our focus on a wide array of painful and unspeakable tragedies is not to depress, debilitate, or demoralize us, but to awaken within us a sincere desire to avoid such calamities in the future.  This means realizing that the terrible occurrences of the past were not accidental; rather, they were the inevitable and inescapable consequences of the corruption of the society in which we live.

The mourning of Tisha B'Av is designed to create a powerful sense of unity among the members of the Jewish people, both in terms of our shared historical fate and in terms of our shared national destiny, so that, together, we can strive for a genuinely better tomorrow.

We understand that the process of redeeming our broken society cannot begin until we face the stark, harsh, and painful realities that surround us.  We know that the joyous rebuilding of Jewish community and the achievement of the Prophetic ideals of peace on Earth and universal brotherhood will be inspired and fueled by the feelings of sadness and despair we experience on Tisha B'Av.

The message of Tisha B'Av is meant to resonate and should resonate with all those who are sensitive to the plight of mankind and are truly concerned about the injustices and abuses - physical, moral, and intellectual - that are perpetrated daily across the globe.

When we, as a people, cannot tolerate this state of affairs any longer; when we are finally willing to set aside all of our trivial concerns and petty disagreements for the sake of a greater good; when the lessons of Tisha B'Av finally penetrate our hearts and we are fully prepared to do whatever it takes to transform a disappointing and diseased world into the inspiring and idyllic one of which we have dreamed for centuries - then, and only then, will the light of true redemption burst forth in all its glory.

Next year in Jerusalem?

At the end of the Seder, we all sing "l'Shana Haba B'Yrushalayim", next year in Jerusalem. As a child, it was explained to me by my school teachers that we were still enslaved, and hoping that next year we will be able to live in freedom in Israel. So, even while living in freedom here in the United States, we were slaves, because we were unable to make Aliyah. It was presented to me that historically the phrase was written because Israel as a country didn't exist, and it was our sincere hope that someday it would.  But now that Israel did exist, at that time that it was too risky and expensive to simply move there... Not having the money to move internationally, not having a job in Israel, not having any friends/family there...  People still were prevented from making Aliyah.

So, to my teachers, the phrase literally meant that they wanted to physically be in Israel the next year, but did not see any clear way to make that happen, and did not see this as ever being achievable within their lifetimes.

But, now making Aliyah is much easier, and while still a big risky move, there are many more families making this transition happen than ever before.

So, what of the Seder phrase? If you were one of my teachers, and finally made Aliyah, then what do you now say at your Seder? In fact, if you live in Jerusalem in the first place, does saying this make any sense at all?

And what if you don't want to make Aliyah?  What if you're happy living in whatever country you are living in, and don't have any desire to live in Israel?

Rabbis have told me that the "Jerusalem" referred to in that statement is a theoretical Jerusalem, a reference to the messianic era. It doesn't mean being physically situated in the city, but that by this time next year the messiah would have arrived.  It's an excellent answer.

But, going back to my childhood, many of my teachers saw this phrase as a literal injunction.  We should all desire to move to Israel at the first opportunity to do so.  I wonder today how they would answer my question.

A Garden Needs Tending

I have a really interesting backyard.  There is the house, then a wide stripe of open grass we've often referred to as our soccer field, and then a wide stripe of trees and undergrowth.  Ever since we moved into our house, I have referred to this back section of the yard as my "fairy garden".

You see, I have this vision that this area will come to have meandering wander-paths through the trees, a small pond or fountain, various shade-loving plants and flowers in decorative planters, bird feeders, and whimsical decorations, all designed so that we could enjoy the uniqueness of this area of our property.

We've lived in our house for almost nine years now, and the closest I've gotten to this vision is that we have a bird feeder hanging from a metal hook.

It's not because I no longer like my initial vision, or no longer want all that it entails.  It's that all of those things that I want to see in my backyard take a lot of work to put together and maintain.  I've tried many times to plant flowers and plants, almost all of which have died off.  I have a box of decorations to put out, and every time I have found free time to dedicate to this outdoor space, it's raining.

It is simply a matter of so much work, so little time.  And that is why I think Tu B'Shevat is so important.  Besides being my Hebrew birthday, this holiday reminds us that a garden needs tending.  Everything in our world, from living things like plants and animals, to more esoteric items like love and ideas, need care and feeding to grow and thrive.

God created the world in six days, and rested on the seventh.  Imagine the enormity of the work, that God needed a nap when he was done! (and thus was born the tradition of the Shabbos Shluf)  We call it the Garden of Eden, not the Land of Eden, because it grew all life, and needed God's continuing care to exist.  Tu B'Shevat reminds us not only of the importance of our environment, but also of our responsibility to maintain it, for ourselves and future generations.

Tu B'Shevat is the new year for trees.  The Torah, in the book of Leviticus, outlines that when you plant a tree, you must wait three years before taking any of its fruit, and then on the fourth year, the fruit is to be used for temple sacrifices only.  It is only when a tree is five years old that the fruit may be consumed by the community.  This created a problem, how do you know how old a tree is?  When you are busy planting many different trees, how do you record the different planting dates of each and every tree?  Our sages came up with the practice of having one day a year, the 15th of Shevat, when they would consider all trees one year older for the purposes of following the Torah commandment surrounding the fruits of trees.

Fun facts about Tu B'Shevat:

"Tu" is not a word, it stands for the number 15 in Hebrew.   Why do we use a Tet and Vav (9 & 6), instead of the easier Yud and Hey (10 & 5)?  Because Yud and Hey make up God's name, and we don't want to use God's name as a number.

Tu B'Shevat is one of four New Years mentioned in the Torah.  Just as the secular world has different calendars - think of our secular calendar, business fiscal years, and school calendars - so too Judaism has different calendar years for different purposes.

One custom for Tu B'Shevat is to eat a new fruit on the holiday so that you can say the Shehecheyanu blessing.  We also should eat from the seven species mentioned in the Torah as being from Israel; wheat, barley, grapes, figs, pomegranates, olives, and dates.  A Tu B'Shevat Seder is a common way to accomplish this.

Many families send money to plant trees in Israel for Tu B'Shevat.

Much of the discussion of Tu B'Shevat mentions that it is the beginning of spring, however, we're celebrating in the middle of winter, what gives?  While it is still winter here in the United States, and we won't be seeing trees budding for a while, over in Israel, Tu B'Shevat is the very beginning of the spring growing season.