I'm a teacher... I hear things about you from your kids that I'm sure you'd rather no one outside your household knew... You probably didn't even know your kids noticed these things, let alone spoke about them in class...
Which is my point. Kids notice everything.
So, moms and dads, when you make that offhanded remark about needing to lose those pesky pounds you gained over the holiday season, your kids think they too need to lose a few...
It no longer shows up as kids talking about needing to diet... Because that's no longer your jargon...
It shows up when your children ask me at snack if an orange is healthy for them to eat.
It shows up when a child is outgrowing their sneakers and says sadly it's because they're getting fat.
It shows up when a child says that they are participating in a sport they hate playing because they are afraid of getting fat if they stopped.
It shows up when a girl says she would never wear a bikini - not because she doesn't want to show skin, but because she thinks she'll look fat, and get bullied because of her "flabby tummy".
It shows up when a young dancer is worried that the developing muscles on her arms and legs are actually fat.
It shows up when your kids talk about eating only half their sandwich at lunch, in order to "eat healthier".
It shows up when a boy asks someone if his pants make his butt look big.
It shows up when a child complains they are hungry, but then refuses to eat snack, because they don't want to become "a nosher".
I don't think any parent intends to give their kids negative body image messages, but keep in mind that they are constantly taking in the subconscious messaging of our culture about what is "normal" and "beautiful" and "healthy" (and what is not). Children are not sophisticated enough thinkers to understand the difference between their parents' opinions on what is healthy, and what our society says. An offhand comment by a parent could be interpreted as a ringing endorsement of everything else taken in on the subject.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
New Book, New Year
So, this year we celebrate the secular New Year at the same time we start a new book in the Torah... Shemot, or Exodus. It's a big change... We go straight from the Israelites prospering under Joseph, to them being slaves under a cruel new Pharoah. From a heartwarming tale of salvation from starvation and family reconciliation, to families being torn apart by genocidal edicts.
The secular New Year is often a time for big changes as well.
Many people like to make New Year's resolutions... Promises to themselves that they will work to make themselves and their lives better.
It sounds all well and good, but I'm going to tell you it's not. In fact, I'm going to tell you to throw out any and all of your resolutions. If you haven't finished making them, good, and if you haven't even gotten around to starting them, even better.
Why?
Because all resolutions start in a place of self-hate.
There is something wrong with your life, and yourself, and you're going to fix it. You've tried in previous years to get it right, and this time, by golly, you're going to do it. No more fooling yourself, this time it's get it right or go home.
And by February, or March if you've really got it going, it all falls apart... Life intervenes and all your good intentions go out the door.
We plan, God laughs.
And where does that leave you? Feeling like a failure. Like damaged goods. I can't even get this little change to stick, how worthless am I?
Stop.
Just. Stop.
You're not worthless. And there was nothing ever wrong with you to begin with. You don't need to change. Things may not be perfect, but they're okay, and you don't need a resolution to change your life for the better.
This is not to say there is never anything that anyone needs to do to improve themselves, but rather, to elucidate that the kind of change people need isn't the kind of thing that can be accomplished by a lofty goal arbitrarily set at the beginning of the calendar year.
New Year's resolutions are usually made in frustration, because we are comparing our behind-the-scenes lives with everyone else's highlight reels... We're looking at the holiday party at our neighbor's immaculately clean home and comparing it with our own house the day after our kids all had the stomach flu at the same time...
You don't have a sparkling clean house... Okay... Do you need one? Would you really be happier with everything shining and sparkling all the time? Would that make your life better? Is it worth it to you to give up other things in your life, either time or money, to have a house that clean?
No? Then forget it and move on. You have more important things to do.
Yes? Then what do you need to adjust to either have more time to clean, or pay someone else to do it?
"I'm a failure at life because I have no skill at keeping my house clean - everyone else can do it but me, what's wrong with me"? Absolutely nothing is wrong with you... Not everyone is a domestic diva. You have plenty of skills in other areas, apparently cleaning is not one of them. You wouldn't tell someone they were a failure at life because they can't sing. Stop comparing yourself to people who are not only good at cleaning but also apparently love doing it. No one in your family is going to die if there's dust on top of the TV.
So, this year, love yourself and don't make resolutions.
Pharoah needed 10 plagues before he was able to make a change. (And even after that, he tried to take it back!)
Give yourself the respect, kindness, and caring you deserve, and that you would extend to others. Make reasonable and achievable changes for good reasons, love yourself for who you are, and appreciate all the wonderful things already in your life.
The secular New Year is often a time for big changes as well.
Many people like to make New Year's resolutions... Promises to themselves that they will work to make themselves and their lives better.
It sounds all well and good, but I'm going to tell you it's not. In fact, I'm going to tell you to throw out any and all of your resolutions. If you haven't finished making them, good, and if you haven't even gotten around to starting them, even better.
Why?
Because all resolutions start in a place of self-hate.
There is something wrong with your life, and yourself, and you're going to fix it. You've tried in previous years to get it right, and this time, by golly, you're going to do it. No more fooling yourself, this time it's get it right or go home.
And by February, or March if you've really got it going, it all falls apart... Life intervenes and all your good intentions go out the door.
We plan, God laughs.
And where does that leave you? Feeling like a failure. Like damaged goods. I can't even get this little change to stick, how worthless am I?
Stop.
Just. Stop.
You're not worthless. And there was nothing ever wrong with you to begin with. You don't need to change. Things may not be perfect, but they're okay, and you don't need a resolution to change your life for the better.
This is not to say there is never anything that anyone needs to do to improve themselves, but rather, to elucidate that the kind of change people need isn't the kind of thing that can be accomplished by a lofty goal arbitrarily set at the beginning of the calendar year.
New Year's resolutions are usually made in frustration, because we are comparing our behind-the-scenes lives with everyone else's highlight reels... We're looking at the holiday party at our neighbor's immaculately clean home and comparing it with our own house the day after our kids all had the stomach flu at the same time...
You don't have a sparkling clean house... Okay... Do you need one? Would you really be happier with everything shining and sparkling all the time? Would that make your life better? Is it worth it to you to give up other things in your life, either time or money, to have a house that clean?
No? Then forget it and move on. You have more important things to do.
Yes? Then what do you need to adjust to either have more time to clean, or pay someone else to do it?
"I'm a failure at life because I have no skill at keeping my house clean - everyone else can do it but me, what's wrong with me"? Absolutely nothing is wrong with you... Not everyone is a domestic diva. You have plenty of skills in other areas, apparently cleaning is not one of them. You wouldn't tell someone they were a failure at life because they can't sing. Stop comparing yourself to people who are not only good at cleaning but also apparently love doing it. No one in your family is going to die if there's dust on top of the TV.
So, this year, love yourself and don't make resolutions.
Pharoah needed 10 plagues before he was able to make a change. (And even after that, he tried to take it back!)
Give yourself the respect, kindness, and caring you deserve, and that you would extend to others. Make reasonable and achievable changes for good reasons, love yourself for who you are, and appreciate all the wonderful things already in your life.
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