The Missing Introduction

I had planned to be brave tonight, but the opportunity to say these words was not given to me due to decisions made beyond my control.  So, here is a slightly edited version of what I had hoped you would learn earlier tonight:

I made a promise to myself when I was in college.  I made a promise that if I was ever in a position to keep even just one child from experiencing what I went through in school, that I would take that opportunity without reservation.  To explain that promise, I need to tell you something about myself that I don't usually talk about. 

When I was 14, I attempted suicide.

It's not a secret.  Many of my friends know.  I'm comfortable talking about it... but it's just not a topic that comes up in casual conversation over bagels and schmear at shul.

All throughout my years in school, I was "teased" and "picked on".  No one ever used the word "bullied" back then.  Looking back, I would personally use the word "abused".  Anyone who knows me is very much aware that I march to the beat of my own drummer (sometimes literally).  I always have.  But, when I was a kid, I payed dearly for it. 

I was verbally and physically assaulted daily by my peers.   In the beginning I asked for help.  I soon learned to stop talking about it, because it was either my fault for being different and not working to fit in, or any punishment my tormentors received would make them attack me more often and with a greater vengeance.  It was easier to just deal with it myself than to trust in an adult.  Bumps and bruises, stolen and damaged property - I was clumsy and forgetful enough that it was easy to pass them off as accidents. 

After a while, I found the physical attacks easy to deal with.  I got good at defending myself, and my status as a teacher's pet meant that I never got in trouble for finishing a fight.  The verbal attacks were a different animal.  They called me everything.  I was fat, ugly, stupid, but also a braniac, too tall, and then too short, I didn't have the right clothes, not enough money, I was disgusting, unlovable, and worthless.  When they ran out of the run-of-the-mill insults, they came up with the worst label they could throw at me.  I must be a lesbian.  I was not only worthless, but now a deviant and a pervert, because I had no interest in chasing after my idiotic male classmates.  I was told everyone would be better off if I never existed.

And I believed them.

Obviously I'm still here.  I managed to survive because I realized that ending my pain would hurt my family more than living could hurt me.  Eventually I went off to college, where I found out I was quite normal and perfectly lovable, even the weird parts of me...  I am still proud of the fact that I was voted in the top 25 members of my college class for homecoming court.  I didn't win, but I didn't have to.  For the first time ever, I was a contender in a popularity contest.  (Ha!)

And so this is why I am telling you my story.

No one should have to experience what I went through in school.  My teachers tried to help, but had no support to make the broad cultural changes needed to keep me safe.  School leaders felt that teasing was a normal part of growing up, and that it even builds character.  Parents felt that children should conform in order to avoid being singled out, because it's "normal behavior" for children to pick on people who are different.

And there was a time in the not so distant past when that was also considered normal behavior for adults...

Making mountains out of molehills

I read this blog from the St Louis Jewish Light...

And I think the author is both right and wrong.  Or, more accurately, her conclusion is correct were her premises accurate, but from my experience, her premises are wrong.

You see, she feels parents are doing their children a disservice by trying to remove challenges from their life paths.  And I agree with that. I think challenge and failure are teaching tools.  Children need to learn it's okay to not always get what they want.

However, I don't think that parents are simply trying to make life easy for their children.

The author states that a child's mistakes don't mean much in the long run.  And this is where my present day experience runs counter to what seems like common sense...

A child's mistakes shouldn't mean much in the long run, but these days, they certainly seem to.

You see, where I live, I hear from parents that it is of utmost importance for their children to be able to go to a good college.  Sounds like a good thing to me...  But to do that, you need to do well in high school, and the students who are best prepared for college go to the best high schools in the area.  In order to get into one of these top high schools, you must attend one of the correct feeder middle schools.  In order to get into one of these feeder middle schools you must be chosen in a selection process which includes a look at your academic and behavior records throughout elementary school.

Therefore, a child's mistakes, at the time that they should be making them and learning from them, could cost them opportunities down the line...  They could be penalized in their academic and socioeconomic development in a way that no child could possibly understand...  Sorry honey, you can't watch cartoons now, you need to do your homework because your future employer is going to want to see a diploma from a good college.  What 7 year old is going to understand that level of cause and effect?

Of course a parent is going to want to hand-hold a child through their school years.  Especially when you sure as hell bet other parents are doing the same, if not more, in order to ensure their child's spot on the yellow-brick-road...

It's not that parents don't trust that their children can do it, but it's that the price of failure seems so high, can a parent risk having a child do their homework without help?

I can't really blame the parents, who are looking at today's economy and feeling the need to help their children get the best start they can.

But what have we become as a society, when a child's academics and behavior in grade school can effect his or her employability as an adult?

We are raising a generation that won't be able to handle challenges, both emotionally and cognitively.  At what point does that translate into needing a PhD to be hired for an entry level minimum wage job?